Aka we sent each other messages about Dean turning tricks when he was younger, and made ourselves sad and angry.
DBCO: I think that Dean turning tricks is in the headcanon area, but it’s definitely in the realm of possibility, especially if money was tight when John was on a hunt and Dean needed to take care of Sam. I feel like the first time someone approached him though, he refused, because he had such a strong idea of what kind of man he was supposed to be- the kind that sleeps around, not the kind that gets paid to sleep around. Especially since he was so pretty, he would’ve tried extra hard to be more manly and in control. But if money was tight, and Sam was hungry, well… one time couldn’t hurt. And one more time would be fine. As long as Sam was taken care of, it wouldn’t matter that Dean felt dirty afterward.
YT: It’s… Really not that surprising that Dean sold his soul for Sam. Right? He would rather let the whole world go to pieces as long as Sam is saved. Sam was the only thing Dean had to cling to for so long, the only reason to get up in the morning, I just… Ugh. I mean, compared to all that, how bad is it to stick a couple of dicks in his mouth? Just wipe the come off his lips and try to fucking move on. Yeah, sure, dad thinks men have to act a certain way, but providing for Sammy was always the first and only priority for Dean, just like hunting was for John. And then at least he can buy Sammy the salad he wanted, he had enough money for it. And he’d make fun of his brother’s rabbit food and his good grades while he remembers the way he gagged and chocked and the sweat and the smell and promises himself never to do it again.
Until next time.
Sometimes I worry about the environment around Dean when he grew up, because he must’ve been so FUCKING PRETTY. Just unbelievably, unbearably so, and the sleazy places John brought his boys must’ve been so violent and threatening. But Dean was a tough kid and he took shit from no one, and I honestly doubt anyone would’ve succeeded in assaulting him.
But if Sam was on the line…
DBCO: And you have to wonder how all this would affect his struggles with his sexuality. Because his experiences with men would taint his exploration of his sexuality so much. Whenever he’s attracted to men, it would immediately bring back those memories, of being desperate and scared and out of control, just so that Sammy could have that ice cream sunday he wanted. He’d feel sick and twisted, because he wants nothing to do with those times, wants to forget they ever happened. But every time thoughts of other men creep in while he’s jacking off in the shower, those memories creep in, and he has to stop, cover his face in shame, take a deep, shuddering breath, and then step out of the shower without hinting that anything might be wrong.
YT: And imagine how much worse it must’ve been after hell! Dean’s sexual abuse at the hands of Alastair is as close as canon as we can get on the cw. And Cas is an angel, a real honest to god angel of the fucking lord, all righteous and clean and full of heavenly purpose, and he thinks Dean is good. He sees something in Dean that Dean knows isn’t there. And Dean must’ve been so ashamed to feel such dirty shameful things for an angel, an ANGEL, of all the pathetic disgusting things he’s done. Because Cas is shining and pure, and how could he even dare put him anywhere near those disgusting fumblings in grimy alleyways and the unspeakable atrocities of hell, how dare he even imagine.
DBCO: And he might play at trying to tarnish Cas’ innocence, taking him to a brothel, introducing him to all the vices he himself clings to, but when it comes to Cas taking on Dean’s dirty scars, that’s when he freaks out. Because all the vices in the world are nothing compared to the shit that’s piled on top of Dean, making him feel unclean, unworthy. By his estimation, he shouldn’t even have been a blip on the angel’s radar. Never taken out of hell, because really, that’s where he belonged anyway.